Pre-Adventure - May 18 and 19: Preparing for Launch

Pre-Adventure - May 18 and 19: Preparing for Launch

Grades are turned in, my commitments to work or any other entity are filled, and I’m making all the final preparations for a summer away.  That sounds so benign, and it’s not at all reflective of the anxiety, trepidation, and flat-out fear I’ve experienced over the past few weeks.

Breaking food in to single-serving bags with calorie labels

It is interesting to observe my varied emotions, fears, insecurities, confidence levels, etc. as the day to leave approaches. One minute I'm excited, the next afraid, then confident, then worried. It’s been a very engaging and full experience, and when I can step back and look at it from a detached viewpoint, I’m amazed at the range of reactions. My evolution, of course, is incomplete, so I often am caught in the emotion rather than watching it, but I find myself able to step away occasionally and observe, with affection, the emotions and thoughts as they come and go, no matter how “positive” or “negative” I’m labeling them.

Lots and lots of gear. REI thanks me.

I find the sheer immensity of tasks I need to accomplish intimidating, and that intimidation is compounded by the knowledge that I’m figuring it all out as I go. I’ve researched and explored and listened to experts, but ultimately I have to put it all together myself – the knowledge and the practical tasks. And I come back to the idea, over and over again, that if I screw up, it could kill me. Perhaps that’s a little dramatic, but it is true. Of course, the chance that an error or oversight will lead to my death is slim; it’s much more likely to simply induce some sort of hardship. Neither is something I’m hoping to experience, but of course if I do it will simply add to the adventure.

The peak of my anxiety was a few nights ago. I called on my friend Jesse, with whom I’ve done quite a bit backpacking, camping, hiking, and traveling. He understands my limits and patterns perhaps better than anyone. As we Google chatted, I was furiously typing my fears and thoughts, he trying to keep up and respond, and he dropped this wise gem for me to contemplate and absorb:

"It's a very deep fear - being unprepared. But really, you are unprepared. Anyone would be. You do this not because it's easy and you're ready for it all but because it's hard and you're probably not. You do it for what you're going to gain along the way. You do it for the resourcefulness I know you'll discover again and again in yourself."

He’s right. I don’t do this because it’s easy, or I’m an expert at it, or I feel comfortable doing it. I do it for all it offers me – a new look at myself, from the perspective of one who’s in an unfamiliar, often uncomfortable, sometimes threatening environment. I do it to experience what I can do and who I really am, besides this little human personality of Leslie.  As my dear friend Kay Scott reminded me, Gertrude Stein summed it up succinctly: "If you know you can do it, why do it?" Amen, Gertrude. 

Will 10 days worth fit in the bear canister? (That's it over to the left.) Sorting a 10day load to package and have Twila mail. I'll pick up a resupply package at the Muir Trail Ranch and at Red's Meadow Resort.