Day 3 – May 22 Moab!

Today’s drive was a short one – it’s only about 100 miles from Grand Junction, CO to Moab, and the campground where I stayed last night was just a few miles from Grand Junction. I planned to stop at REI in Grand Junction to pick up a few last things, and when I got there, they weren’t open yet. So I used that time to do some research for campgrounds around Moab.

The La Sal Mountains - Backdrop to Moab, Canyonlands

I decided on Windwhistle Campground, a BLM campground about halfway between Moab and the Needles District of Canyonlands. This seemed the wise choice for hiking both the northern Island in the Sky District and the southern Needles District of Canyonlands. With the approaching Memorial Day weekend, I needed to find somewhere I could set up camp for the duration of the holiday weekend.

The campground is very nice. The vault toilets here are wonderfully clean and don’t smell at all. It’s been that way in almost every national campground I’ve stayed. When I compare them to the facilities at the state parks in Nebraska the difference couldn’t be stronger. In Kearney the other night I opted to pee outside the second time I had to go instead of using that filthy vault toilet, and I’ve used the vault toilets at Ponca State Park and they were also filthy. I don’t mean to pick on Nebraska, it’s just those are the only ones I’ve used and that’s my experience.

Enough about toilets. It feels good to be back in this part of the world. The desert here is one of my favorite environments. I’m not sure why it feels so different from desert farther south, but it does. I didn’t like the desert wilderness around Phoenix – the Superstition Wilderness seemed very inhospitable and didn’t speak to me like these orange landscapes in southern Utah canyon country. Here and a little farther south into Monument Valley are some of the most striking and welcoming lands I know – every time I drive in it takes my breath away.

So I spent most of today just getting my bearings and getting settled. My camp is set up, and I poked around Moab for a while this afternoon, picking up maps and getting ideas for hiking. I splurged and bought a book of Tom Till Photography of the area, and indulged in a little Gelato at an Espresso shop. It was hot – around 90 degrees – for an hour or so, but it quickly began to cool off as evening approached. I pulled on my sweatshirt just as the sun began to go down, and it’ll be wonderful sleeping weather.

View from Needles Overlook. A little hazy at sunset.

I did make a trip up to the Needles Overlook before returning to my campsite, and the view was lovely. I pulled on my hiking boots to make the short trek around the overlook, and it made me eager to get out on the trail tomorrow. I’m going to begin with a fairly easy 9.7 mile hike at Dead Horse Canyon State Park – it is said to be well-marked and fairly flat. I figure I’ll get my hiking mojo going, getting used to the higher elevation and putting some gentle miles on these recently healed feet. From there, I’ll tackle a few harder hikes as the week progresses.

So now it’s time to read a little as the fires burns low, and wait for whatever arises. As Adyashanti says, “Relax and let it happen.”

Day 2 – May 21 Miles to Go Before I Sleep

Most of today was spent on the road, putting miles behind me. Not that I’m complaining – I love to drive and I love to look at beautiful scenery. So how could the day not be wonderful? And it was. Wonderful.

Love it when I realize the clouds at the horizon are actually mountains

Forgetting to turn off my alarm the night before, I awoke to its lovely noise at 6 a.m. But, eager to start the day, I had no regrets about the omission.  I had woken up a few times during the night, and I was surprised that I wasn’t more comfortable on my new, high-dollar inflatable sleeping pad. As I inspected it this morning, I realized it was about flat. No wonder it was uncomfortable – it apparently came with a leak.  I knew I was going to stop at REI in Denver today, so I realized how fortuitous it was that it happened now and not in the middle of the Sierras.

Even with the less-than-optimum sleeping situation, I was rested and ready for the day. I realize getting up early is not a problem when I’m outside, doing what I love most. Unlike at home, I almost never choose to lie there, putting off the inevitable. Instead I bound up, quickly breaking camp and leaning forward, into the day and all it promises.

REI, Denver

I had about a half-day drive into Denver, and was amazed at the REI store there. It was huge and beautiful – it was in an old manufacturing plant of sorts, with brick walls and iron fixtures still exposed and creating the perfect backdrop for outdoor gear. And this is not a plug for the store, but I was impressed, once again, at their generous return policy. I had a solar charger I bought last summer that was too heavy and wasn’t working quite right. I was missing some of the hookups that came with it and it was a little beat up, but I thought I’d give their policy a try. Sure enough, they looked up my purchase date and gave me store credit for it along with the sleeping pad.  I decided to buy a different pad – one that was a little less spendy and was also on sale – and instead of getting another solar charger, I used the credit to buy some new ultra-lightweight sandals I’d been eying. And I even have a few dollars left for any other incidentals I need from there.

Lots of snow still at the higher elevations. 

After the leisurely shopping trip, I headed back west, intending to make it to Grand Junction or nearby. I looked at the map and saw a state park just east of there, and headed for it. It’s a lovely small park along the Colorado River. They only have five tent camping spots, so I have a few neighbors fairly close, but it’s pretty quiet and it’s clean with good facilities. I settled in, built my fire and cooked a burger over the open flames. 

James M. Robb - Colorado River State Park

While I was sitting writing this, my tent neighbor to my right, whom I had noticed earlier when he rode in on his bike, came over to introduce himself. It’s about three hours later, and he just left. He is a nice guy from Missouri on his way to Salt Lake City to see his son graduate.  We talked and talked, and there was a comfortable connection between us. At one point he moved from the picnic table where he’d been sitting, sat down in front of my chair, and leaned back against my legs. He didn’t say anything, and I didn’t say anything – we just continued talking as if it were the most natural thing in the world. And it felt that way, his back against me, the intimacy of the fire, the stars and the almost full moon lighting the stage of our connection. Finally, he stood and stretched, leaned down and kissed me, said goodnight, and went “home” to his tent.  I’m going in mine shortly, after the last few embers in the fire ring die. In another life, we might have gone to the same tent – we even discussed the possibility - but he’s on his path and I’m on mine, so we figured it best to say goodnight with that light, simple kiss.

There’s so much promise out here in the world, just waiting to be discovered. Surprises are around every corner, if we keep our eyes open. And I plan to spend this summer with my eyes wide open, welcoming each experience as it comes in to my life.

Day 1 – May 20 – Off and, well, Strolling

After a night of late preparations and little sleep, I was up before the alarm, eager to load the car and take care of last-minute preparations. I had hoped to get out the door by 8 a.m., and when I started the engine to pull away, the clock read 8:30 and I was pretty satisfied.

Loaded and ready. Had to run each of the cats and Dexter out.

After a few stops in Sioux City to tidy up a thing or two at work and exchange a few goodbye hugs there, I  topped off the gas tank and dropped my resupply packages with Twila, hugged her goodbye, and headed west by 10 a.m.

I stopped in Wayne to say goodbye to Jesse, my dear friend and often travel companion. He helped me with a few last-minute tasks, insisted I sterilize my water packs, and helped me install my in-line water filter. But more than that, he offered his usual confidence in my abilities and parting words of caution to always take it slow when in doubt.

Saying good bye to Jesse is one of the hardest things I’ve done, and I was emotionally wrought when I hit the road. He’ll be gone when I return, off on his own adventure for a new life on the east coast. I’ll miss him desperately – we tried the romantic route and when that didn’t work, remained close for a lot of years, and I’ve taken for granted that he was always just a 45-minute drive away. Although I know he’ll always be just a phone call or Google chat away, the distance is a hard reality to swallow.

Endings are something I still struggle with. I know the reality that nothing really ends, just as nothing really begins, but I get so attached to the people and situations in my life. When they shift, as they inevitably do, I often spend a lot of energy figuratively kicking and screaming against the change. And although I’ve seen, time and again in my 50 plus years, that the shift is always a forward movement, working to evolve me and those others involved, I still resist.

Campsite at Fort Kearney State Rec Area

I think that resistance to change is really a desire to relive, re-experience the good things that arose from a relationship or situation. I seem inclined to yearn for more of what I had, whether it was actual experience or emotional experience. I realize the futility of such behavior, yet still I often resist and yearn. I sometimes even resist when I know things are better for the change – simply fighting to keep the familiar familiar. I see this pattern being revealed in so many situations in my life, even trivial ones. I watched the final episode of “The Office” this week and teared up over that.

These experiences, these losses, are so important for personal growth. If we didn’t have things leave our lives, we wouldn’t have room for the new, the surprising, the gifts that are just waiting to present themselves to us. It’s important to remember that once those departing relationships, those experiences, were new and eased themselves into the holes that were vacated by earlier losses. Why the attachment, then, I cannot understand. As Mr. Spock says, it’s just not logical. I already fight the changes less fervently, and look toward the new more readily, so perhaps some day it will not be a struggle at all.

So as I drive away from Jesse and the nearby presence he’s been for the past three years, I drive toward the next experience, the next connection, the next gift this life has to offer. And as I sit here near Kearney, Nebraska , writing by the campfire I built from wood I scavenged and tinder I arranged carefully, I let go of the desire to revive and relive the past, and I simply sit and enjoy the moment. It is here, of course, and only here, that I find peace and joy and all that I am looking for.

Scavenged the wood and collected tinder. Only one try in damp conditions. I was coached well.

Pre-Adventure - May 18 and 19: Preparing for Launch

Pre-Adventure - May 18 and 19: Preparing for Launch

Grades are turned in, my commitments to work or any other entity are filled, and I’m making all the final preparations for a summer away.  That sounds so benign, and it’s not at all reflective of the anxiety, trepidation, and flat-out fear I’ve experienced over the past few weeks.

Breaking food in to single-serving bags with calorie labels

It is interesting to observe my varied emotions, fears, insecurities, confidence levels, etc. as the day to leave approaches. One minute I'm excited, the next afraid, then confident, then worried. It’s been a very engaging and full experience, and when I can step back and look at it from a detached viewpoint, I’m amazed at the range of reactions. My evolution, of course, is incomplete, so I often am caught in the emotion rather than watching it, but I find myself able to step away occasionally and observe, with affection, the emotions and thoughts as they come and go, no matter how “positive” or “negative” I’m labeling them.

Lots and lots of gear. REI thanks me.

I find the sheer immensity of tasks I need to accomplish intimidating, and that intimidation is compounded by the knowledge that I’m figuring it all out as I go. I’ve researched and explored and listened to experts, but ultimately I have to put it all together myself – the knowledge and the practical tasks. And I come back to the idea, over and over again, that if I screw up, it could kill me. Perhaps that’s a little dramatic, but it is true. Of course, the chance that an error or oversight will lead to my death is slim; it’s much more likely to simply induce some sort of hardship. Neither is something I’m hoping to experience, but of course if I do it will simply add to the adventure.

The peak of my anxiety was a few nights ago. I called on my friend Jesse, with whom I’ve done quite a bit backpacking, camping, hiking, and traveling. He understands my limits and patterns perhaps better than anyone. As we Google chatted, I was furiously typing my fears and thoughts, he trying to keep up and respond, and he dropped this wise gem for me to contemplate and absorb:

"It's a very deep fear - being unprepared. But really, you are unprepared. Anyone would be. You do this not because it's easy and you're ready for it all but because it's hard and you're probably not. You do it for what you're going to gain along the way. You do it for the resourcefulness I know you'll discover again and again in yourself."

He’s right. I don’t do this because it’s easy, or I’m an expert at it, or I feel comfortable doing it. I do it for all it offers me – a new look at myself, from the perspective of one who’s in an unfamiliar, often uncomfortable, sometimes threatening environment. I do it to experience what I can do and who I really am, besides this little human personality of Leslie.  As my dear friend Kay Scott reminded me, Gertrude Stein summed it up succinctly: "If you know you can do it, why do it?" Amen, Gertrude. 

Will 10 days worth fit in the bear canister? (That's it over to the left.) Sorting a 10day load to package and have Twila mail. I'll pick up a resupply package at the Muir Trail Ranch and at Red's Meadow Resort.